My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
