the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
