someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
