What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
