I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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