I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
