$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
