I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Randomize
