I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
