The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
