hotel room ftw
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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