Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Randomize
