I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
