I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
