literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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