2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
