Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
