he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
