If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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