Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
