im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
The adults are the big ones right?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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