this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
