I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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