Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
