Apparently you make a good broom.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
