so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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