Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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