You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
