Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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