So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
What a dumb baby whore.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
