I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
