My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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