Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
