I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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