I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
so much tequila, so little girl.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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