Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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