I accidentally had phone sex last night
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
