I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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