you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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