Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
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