hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
