This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
