You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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