come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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