we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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