i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
