Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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