you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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