I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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