even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
